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21/04/25 00:05

i find the two of us at a point of contention on a near daily basis. how our moments beside each other, breathing in each others presence and feeling each others' warmth was never marred by conflict or discontent.
it hurts. our darker moments are stained with silence, not speaking to each other and becoming "too exhausted" to deal with the other, and our conversations run in circles. the same problem persists no matter the occasion, and is always overabundant in hollow apologies.
i'm not blameless, though. every trivial matter is always blown out of proportion when the matter is in my hands. i don't allow others to come closer to me, condemning them for attempting to connect and find points of similarity. in response, i react in a visceral, aggressive matter that always reveals itself before i have the chance to think it over. pushing people away, pushing him away.

i know if i told him to break it off because he deserves someone better, he won't fight it.
i cherish this relationship too much to let it go, but i don't want to hurt him.
a part of me believes he's waiting for me to take the initiative. he's gotten used to my presence, it's not as exciting as it used to be.
if i was brave enough, i'd spare him from me.
i'm not a good person though, i'll justify waiting his torture out under the name of patience.
in truth,
i was scared.